Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Randomize
