Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
