remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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