my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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