If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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