oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
