Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
