Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
