I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
