I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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