he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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