I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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