The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
