So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
