and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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