This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
