Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
