Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
