I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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