Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
