positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
