A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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