I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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