you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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