when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
