Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
