checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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