I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
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I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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