there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
