i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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