just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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