he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
