she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
