When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
