Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
