Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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