She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
