Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
