literally had 100 drinks last night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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