Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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