Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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