And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
