What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You are a genius and a whore.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
