if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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