A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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