My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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