News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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