I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
