Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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