So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
