I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
