Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
