If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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