Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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