I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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