Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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