Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
