I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My hand turned me down
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
