6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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